THE HALLOWEEN EDITION: WEEK 8
“I don’t like to commit myself about heaven and hell – you
see,
I have friends in both places.”
– Mark Twain
After bombing big-time with Thursday night’s
Buccaneers-Vikings’ game, when I thought I knew the skinny going down in Minny,
I have leaned on a few fabulous friends, a wonderful wife (the drooling president of the Mark Sanchez fan club) and a bright brother to steer us
through the plethora of pigskin action this pre-Halloween weekend with some
football forecasts.
Thanks, in advance, to Chris Foulds, Michelle Watrin, Larry
Krause, Bruce Bonham, Lisa and Ward Kurenoff, classy people whose opinions I value
and sports backgrounds I respect.
So, without further ado, cue up Dionne Warwick’s That’s What
Friends Are For and convert some educated guesses to easy cash for your
friendly pools.
And should these Week 8 NFL picks prove to be worthless, like
the losing lottery tickets decaying in my wallet, we now can share the blame with the Splendid Six previously
introduced.
SUNDAY MORNING
Seattle Seahawks at Detroit Lions
Guest picker: Ward Kurenoff
Our 4-and-3 "Brothers of the South" – a.k.a. the Seattle
Seahawks – take on the Detroit Rock City Gene Simmons and Paul Stanley Lions
who are currently sitting at 2-4.
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| WARD KURENOFF and the Grey Cup. |
Detroit has the more high-powered attack ranking second in
the league (really?) with 307 passing yards per game. They'll have
a good test this week against Seattle’s secondary with former Calgary Stampeders’
Brandon Browner and Richard (Don't call me Dick) Sherman having the size to get
to the Lions’ receivers which includes Calvin Johnson – all 6-5 and 236 pounds
of him – with already 592 yards receiving on pace for a 1,600-yard
season.
Lions' WR Nate Burleson is out for the year so look for
Titus (only 23 years) Young or rookie Ryan Broyles to get more action
in Hockeytown . . . or what was once a hockey town in Gary Bettman's No Hockey League.
Wardo's not-so-great prediction: If Gene Simmons
was singing and flashing off his tongue to the ball hawks of
Seattle, I would like the Lions’ chances. If he brought all the
babes he knows, I would like my chances! But chances are ... I would go 0-100
with the babes! Defence wins championships and the Lions are oh-not-so-great on that side of the ball.
Seattle will win by 7 or more and the buzz around Detroit
will be saved for the baseball Tigers and not the lame football Lions.
Carolina Panthers
at Chicago Bears
The lowdown: Da Bears are getting it done this season with
Smokey and mirrors. Unless Vancouver Canuck forward/hunter David Booth ambushes
Jay Cutler’s beasts and adds Da Bears to his Twitter trophy gallery of dead
animals, the Panthers will get blown over in the Windy City.
Gord’s Great Guess: ALL the experts, who rarely agree on anything, expect the Bears to
declaw Carolina with ease.
I expect Chicago to claim victory by at least 8
points. Don’t expect a Boo Boo with this pick. (Think Yogi and Halloween
rolled into one joke. Yep, that’s why I need help ... with the blog!)
San Diego Chargers
at Cleveland Browns
The lowdown: Earlier in the season all the pundits were crowing
over the Chargers, until they were unplugged with a couple Sunday spankings.
Still, their opponents this weekend are the Charlie Browns of Cleveland and that matchup should help the San Diego squad shake whatever ails them.
Gord’s Great Guess: Not much of a guess, really. Chargers
will crush Cleveland faster than Ohio’s Once-Favourite Son, LeBron King James,
bolted C-Town for Miami.
Jacksonville Jaguars
at Green Bay Packers
The lowdown: All the popular pigskin pundits are picking the
punishing Packers to pummel the poor Jaguars.
Now, repeat that five times. If
you have no problem doing that without tripping on your tongue, congrats, you
are ready to learn the words and dance steps to PSY’s Gangnam Style!
Gord’s Great Guess: Because they are playing in Mr. (Aaron) Rodgers’ neighbourhood, and
Green Bay needs the win to get back in the playoff hunt, I expect the Jags to
get crunched by the Cheeseheads, by 10 points or more.
Indianapolis Colts
at Tennessee Titans
The lowdown: The Colts don’t have the horses to tip the
Titans in Tennessee.
The Titans’ mascot is T-Rac, which is a racoon, which is
fitting for the Nashville-based squad as it is not aggressive by nature and it also sleeps for weeks at a time during the NFL season. But not this week.
Gord’s Great Guess: Do Colts’ fans consult the Gallop Polls
for weekly predictions? The Nashville-based Titans will make the ghost of
Johnny Cash proud this weekend by Hurtin’ the Colts real bad on the scoreboard.
I walk the line and say Titans by 10.
New England Patriots
at St. Louis Rams
The lowdown: They are playing this game in London for some
bloody hell reason. Expect Tom Brady to be up for the royal challenge and treat
the Rams like little wankers. Everything should be tickety-boo for the Pats in
this road game.
Some British football fans said seeing the NFL in their
backyard is sick. Seeing the Rams getting kicked in the twigs and berries,
however, will be more like blowing chunks sick.
Gord’s Great Guess: New England's Old England fans will be chuffed as nuts
with the scoreboard, a 14-point or more victory.
You’d be barking mad to pick
the Rams. Careful about saying how much you love to be a punter at this game, too.
Miami Dolphins
at New York Jets
Guest picker: Chris Foulds
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| CHRIS FOULDS |
Almost a year ago to the week, on Oct. 17, 2011, the New
York Jets, commanded by a heftier version of Rex Ryan, hosted the Miami
Dolphins in a showcase AFC East clash on Monday Night Football.
The Jets prevailed 24-7 to improve to 3-3, despite Mark
Sanchez's bland numbers (14-for-25, 201 yards, 1 TD toss). The Dolphins fell to
0-5 behind the arm of someone named Matt Moore, who actually had more yards and
more completions than did the man-soon-to-be-overshadowed-by-God's-messenger.
The Jets of a year ago were all about a big, barking head
coach with a foot fetish and a questionable quarterback. The Dolphins of a year
ago were all about eliciting memories, oh sweet memories, of Dan Marino, Don
Shula, Larry Czonka and Chad — the hanging one, not Pennington or Henne.
This year, the Dolphins are all about Reggie Bush, who is
running more often than Ryan's mouth, the latter of which was working up a
sweat by complaining about comments Bush has made in reference to the
season-ending injury suffered last game by Jets' all-pro cornerback Darrelle
Revis.
Bush opined that Revis's knee injury — suffered when he
fell, in slow motion not unlike a geriatric tumbling slowly off a park bench,
over a Dolphins' player — was karma payback for a dirty hit Bush suffered in
the game, courtesy of New York's LaRon Landry.
Bush was also miffed that Ryan had said, prior to the 23-20
Jets' overtime win in Week 3, the squad needed to put "hot sauce" on
Bush.
The running back is upset because he interpreted "hot
sauce" as meaning "to injure."
Bush forgot that, for Ryan, every single euphemism relates
to food — or feet.
The Rex Ryan Jets have never swept a season series from the
Miami Dolphins and this year will be no different. Dolphins' rookie QB Ruan Tannehill is better than anybody
expected and getting better every week. Mark Sanchez is . . . Mark Sanchez.
At halftime, the Jets will honour Dennis Byrd, the former
defensive end temporarily paralyzed during a 1992 game against Kansas City, by
retiring his jersey No. 90.
After Big Apple fans see Sanchez and the Jets fall to 3-5 at
the final whistle, they will be calling for the green-and-white jersey No. 6 to
join No. 90 in the rafters.
The Scoop: Miami 27 New York 14, with Sanchez throwing for
142 yards, 1 TD, 3 INT, compiling a passing completion rating of 42.2 per cent
and being pelted with four oranges and a tattered Bible signed by Tim Tebow.
Atlanta Falcons
at Philadelphia Eagles
The lowdown: More than three-quarters of the experts say the
Dirty Birds will pluck the Eagles on Sunday. Atlanta hasn’t lost in six
outings, while the Eagles are 3-3. Even though QB Michael Vick plays in the City of
Brotherly Love, he’s being booed big-time by Philly fans for turnovers and mental miscues. However, this is a chance for Vick to beat the team that ditched him
after his dog fighting activities became front-page news and sickened a nation
of animal lovers.
Gord’s Great Guess: Coach Andy Reid needs to win this game
to save his job and team’s season. I expect the Eagles to be the first team to ground the Falcons but it will be oh-so close. It might take a field goal in
overtime to decide the outcome.
Washington Redskins
at Pittsburgh Steelers
Guest picker: Michelle Watrin
Well, my only "favourite NFL teams" are the New
Orleans Saints (Drew Brees is from Purdue), Indianapolis Colts (where I am
from), Denver Broncos (Peyton Manning) and the New York Giants (Eli Manning)
and occasionally the Dallas Cowboys because I liked their old coach (Tom
Landry) with the hat.
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| MICHELLE WATRIN |
Soooo, I would pick the Redskins on Sunday because I like their
uniforms better and you could dress up in a Halloween costume as a Redskin,
albeit not very politically correct but pretty with lots of feathers.
And what
the heck is a Steeler anyway? Who wants to grow up to be a Steeler?
My husband would have much more insight than this, and even
either one of my sons could talk about the wheel offence versus anything else,
but I just happily go along and enjoy the weather when it is not snowing or
cold!
SUNDAY AFTERNOON
Oakland Raiders
at Kansas City Chiefs
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| LARRY KRAUSE |
Guest picker: Larry Krause
Brady Quinn is starting over concussed quarterback Matt Cassel
of Kansas City, but Cassel can play after being medically cleared.
KC fans cheered when Cassel went down two weeks ago due to the
lack of production. Quinn was a highly ranked college player that never
measured up in the bigs along with the backup for Oakland Matt Leinart projected to
be a great pro coming out of USC.
Both “losers” have bounced around the league for the past six
seasons. The starting QB for Oakland also went to USC but has had a decent
career, but struggles with attitude problems.
Maybe it's a USC thing! Kansas City wins on Sunday.
New York Giants
at Dallas Cowboys
Guest picker: Bruce Bonham
The lowdown: This is a contest within a contest. It is Eli
Manning vs. Tony Romo. Perhaps better phrased as Vanilla vs. Strawberry, or
Mary Ann vs. Ginger.
Eli is the rock-solid guy who comes up big when the game is
on the line, while Tony is Mr. Excitement, a guy who makes great plays but,
more often than not, melts down when the going gets toughest.
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| BRUCE BONHAM |
To figure this one out, all you have to do is look at the
dating history of these two fine lads.
Eli Manning, or Mr. Vanilla, married his college sweetheart,
Abby McGrew, in 2008. She, of course, is Mary Ann. Tony Romo, after dating
celebrities Carrie Underwood and Jessica Simpson, opted to settle down with
American beauty queen Candice Crawford in May of last year. She, of course,
would be Ginger. And everybody knows it's better to put your money on Mary Ann
than on Ginger!
Bruce's Best Bet: The Giants lost the season opener to the
Cowboys in perhaps Eli Manning's poorest outing of the season. Since then, they
have gone 5-1.
Kevin Ogletree had eight catches for 114 yards and two
touchdowns on opening day against the Giants. Since then, he has done little to
excite, much like the Cowboys, who have won one, lost one, won one, lost one,
lost one, won one and are due to lose one again.
If the Giants don't take down
the Cowboys this time, you can call me Gilligan!
SUNDAY NIGHT
New Orleans Saints
at Denver Broncos
Guest picker: Lisa Kurenoff
Guest picker: Lisa Kurenoff
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| LISA KURENOFF No. 1 Sanchez fan |
The jury is still out on Manning’s comeback, but when he has time in the pocket he’s a pain in the neck for defences.
The Saints, starting to shake that Bountygate monkey off their
backs in recent weeks, are as inconsistent as Mitt Romney’s stance on U.S. political
issues. All the football experts expect the Broncos to blitz the Saints.
Lisa's bottom line: It hasn’t been a great season for the
under-achieving Saints and while they are always dangerous and have the
potential to march past anybody, logic says the Broncos will put the boots to
them Sunday by 8 or more points. For the record, I wanted to carefully examine the Jets' stats (smile), Mark Sanchez and Jon Bon Jovi (he plays football, right), but hubby opted to give that game to Chris Foulds. I'll be watching, very, very closely, to make sure Chris gets this one right!
MONDAY NIGHT
San Francisco 49ers
at Arizona Cardinals
The lowdown: The Cards have folded since gridiron insiders suggested
they were Super Bowl contenders. The 49ers have slipped from the pundits’
penthouse, but they have been solid on defence save for a Sunday spanking by
the red-hot New York Giants.
Gord’s Great Guess: The 49ers will win this one by as much
as 9 points. As former NFL star QB and commentator Joe Theismann said, "nobody in football should be called a
genius; a genius is a guy like Norman Einstein.”
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| Hearing rumours the NFL wanted to increase pigskin production, these poor little piggies took off! |
Dr. Gord ...
ReplyDelete• Lions, Bears, Chargers, Packers, Colts, Patriots, Jets, Falcons, Steelers, Raiders, Giants, Broncos and 49ers