The Week 6 Guesses
Perhaps it's because I look more like a football player than a svelte stock trader or trendy diet dude that I was asked the other day by a guy and gal to give them the lowdown on Week 6 of the National Football League matchups.
This office chit-chat had a purpose -- they wanted to enter and win their respective weekend pools and knew nothing about football, but wanted to be included in the I'm-too-sexy-for-my-own-skin clique of pigskin prediction peeps who are instant (some might say bloody annoying) experts on everything under the freakin' sun.
Instead of diving into the Xs and Os, the mindless drivel of stats and useless trivia and whatever former coach of Da Bears, Mike Ditka, might suggest online or on TV, I decided to whip up this blog. It's kind of a Pigskin Prognosticating For Dummies thingy, and a cheap excuse to try out a few jokes that may have bombed blurting them out at the office water cooler.
Feel free to comment, add some insight, send money or great jokes. Gawd knows it's going to be a long season.
Drum roll, please:
NFL WEEK 6
(-3.5) CINCINNATI AT CLEVELAND
The lowdown: This one is tough to call, although most of the NFL insiders and so-called experts like the Bengals to beat the home-field Browns.
Gord’s Guess: Bengals, by 7 to 10 points.
Gord’s Cheap-Seat Comment: The real winners here will be those who don’t have to waste a Sunday afternoon sitting in freakin’ Cleveland.
INDIANAPOLIS AT NEW YORK JETS (-2.5)
The lowdown: The natives in New Jersey are restless. They want Tim Tebow to start, Rex Ryan to be drowned in Hudson River and to have the U.S./Mexican border guards suddenly check Mark Sanchez’s citizenship papers. Crisis time in Jetsville usually means they will play well, very well.
Gord’s Guess: Jets to win big.
Gord’s Cheap-Seat Comments: New York Post says the Jets have the horses to win this Sunday. I wonder then, why is the other team called the Colts? No wonder I don’t sleep much!
KANSAS CITY AT TAMPA BAY (-3.5)
The lowdown: A week after my security guard friend Craig screams about his freakin’ decaying tooth, now in Tampa they’re screaming about their Buckin’ ears.
Gord’s Guess: Tampa Bay will beat the visiting Chiefs easily.
Gord’s Cheap-Seat Comments: Tampa is called the Buccaneers. Get it? LOL. Their cheerleaders have the best booty and treasure chests any pigskin pirate could want. Just saying (and dreaming, again!).
OAKLAND AT ATLANTA (-8.5)
The lowdown: Raider Nation is so nasty this season that even Lindsay Lohan or Rihanna won’t cheer for the bad boys. But, even though the Falcons are flying high and scorching bad teams, there is this 8.5 point spread thing that causes some concern.
Gord’s Guess: I say Atlanta will win at home, but point spread makes me nervous. Can we hire a monkey to flip a coin here?
Gord’s Cheap-Seat Comments: I love the Raiders uniforms, their passionate fans, their Just Win Baby mantra. Now, if they can just get a football team in Oakland it would be oh-so perfect.
DALLAS AT BALTIMORE (-4.5)
The lowdown: Never been a Baltimore fan. They play unexciting football on the offensive side, and rely on killer defence and turnovers to win ugly games that make World Cup soccer seem high scoring. I like the Cowboys (and adore the cowgirls) but they are more inconsistent than Mitt Romney’s stand on every issue.
Gord’s Guess: The experts all say Baltimore. I tend to agree.
Gord’s Cheap-Seat Comments: If the Ravens win, and you get it right, do you get to tell the other poolies to eat crow? Just asking.
DETROIT AT PHILADELPHIA (-5.5)
The lowdown: Eagles will win and Lions will get trounced.
Gord’s Guess: Did I mention the Eagles will win and the Lions will get trounced?
Gord’s Cheap-Seat Comments: Considering all the rapsters, mafia and gangsters in Philadelphia, why is the team called the Eagles and the area the City of Brotherly Love? Talk about marketing. That’s like calling me a gridiron genius even though I never win a pool!
ST. LOUIS AT MIAMI (-3.5)
The lowdown: All experts are picking the Dolphins to make a big splash at home and for the Rams to jam.
Gord’s Guess: Miami to win a close one.
Gord’s Cheap-Seat Comments: St. Louis at Miami sounds more like a Yaletown breakfast sandwich than football matchup. And do you realize that Miami spelled backwards is I maim, as in bad picks maim a football pool? Just saying.
(-3.5) NEW ENGLAND AT SEATTLE
The lowdown: My wonderful wife will be at the game with her coworkers, who are taking a bus to and from Seattle to drink, eat hot dogs and pray for replacement refs to help the Hawks win. Because the normal refs are back and Tom Brady is a great quarterback, that last-play prayer won’t come into play.
Gord’s Guess: Seattle will be slaughtered because Seahawks can’t handle all the weapons of a Tom Brady-led offence.
Gord’s Cheap-Seat Comments: My wife now has had more fun and trips this year than I have in the past five years combined. Anyone hoping game bus gets a flat tire on the way down there Sunday? (Oooops, inside voice just snuck out again!)
BUFFALO AT ARIZONA (-4)
The lowdown: Cards are for real. Their defence is legit, their offence is improving. Buffalo is inconsistent, but they scare me because they are capable of playing like champs and then playing like chumps.
Gord’s Guess: Arizona will blast Buffalo.
Gord’s Cheap-Seat Comments: Who named Buffalo the Bills? Buffalo have noses not beaks. Was the dude drunk? Why not call them the Buffalo Platypuses if you’re that hung up on bills? Maybe poor guy was consistently hounded by money-obsessed wife about Bills, Bills, Bills and then name just stuck? (P.S.: My wife did not read this or approve of this message!)
MINNESOTA AT WASHINGTON (-2.5)
The lowdown: RG3, with concussion and all, may play Sunday. That’s like letting the blind guy with a hangover coach the team. Or the guy with no football pool victories make your picks.
Gord’s Guess: Vikings will win and cover the spread by a late field goal.
Gord’s Cheap-Seat Comments: My wife likes the RG3 initial thingy, so she calls me ANASS2 to make me feel so NFL special! She’s a keeper, eh?
NEW YORK GIANTS AT SAN FRANCISCO (-5.5)
The lowdown: Could be the best game of the entire couch-surfing weekend. I think the 49ers will win, and the point-spread makes me a bit nervous, but not enough to pick the Giants. I like Eli Manning as QB in New York, but methinks 49ers are Super Bowl contenders this season and they’re playing at home.
Gord’s Guess: 49ers by a touchdown.
Gord’s Cheap-Seat Comments: Who names a home field Candlestick Park and expects to strike fear in visitors? Then again the Buffalo guy would have called it Bills Cradle.
GREEN BAY AT HOUSTON (-4.5)
The lowdown: The Packers will look to puncture the perfect record of the Texans and both teams will be jacked up for this battle of the great gridders.
Gord’s Guess: This is a measuring-stick game and I expect the Texans to show the world they are the real deal. These Packers aren’t the team of last year when they intimidated everyone, as the Seahawks proved earlier this season by beating them on a final play miracle (blown call) that later attracted President Barack O'Bama's criticism.
Gord’s Cheap-Seat Comments: Some experts are already screaming at Houston “how many rings have you won?” WTF? Would you marry a woman who likes to play around often just to collect rings? Of course not, so why should you care about the lack of rings in Houston? Remember, I said marry, not date!
THE MONDAY NIGHTER
DENVER AT SAN DIEGO (-3.5)
The lowdown: Too close to call! Both teams have shown signs of brilliance and signs of soiling the sheets, often in the same game or on the same drive.
Gord’s Guess: Flip a coin, it will be high scoring nonetheless.
Gord’s Cheap-Seat Comments: Funny how a team playing in bankrupt California can be called the Chargers. You’d think given the U.S. recession and California’s bleak financial picture they’d be called the San Diego Cash-Upfronts.
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