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| Rex Ryan stars in That's My Boy, and worships the Patriots. Ryan's Jets play in New England this Sunday! |
You know things are messed up when Honey Boo Boo is being
asked for political input – she’s supporting “Marack Obama” by the way – Lady
Gaga strips down to her birthday suit to encourage people to love their bodies
just the way they are – like hers
with tattooes, enhancements and fake hair, she wasn't born that way – and October is National Collegiate
Alcohol Awareness Month, because we all know those hitting the books without
mom and dad’s nagging curfew in their Jerry Springer-like party dorms tend to forget
about guzzling from the bottle.
I started this wonderful Week 7 by saying the 49ers would
beat the Seahawks in a defensive battle and most readers thought I was going
crazy faster than you can say 13-6 San Fran. Cue up the Mac Davis It’s Hard To Be Humble soundtrack.
So, if you want to make some easy money this weekend, here’s
the rest of my picks:
Sunday morning
Tennessee Titans at Buffalo Bills
The lowdown: The Titans are playing this season like they’re
afraid, very afraid, to get grass stains on their uniforms. Rumour has it that
Justin Bieber got sick on stage last week after watching them play and that the
Titans are asking their shrinking fan base for autographs. Ooops, my bad, it
was actually A-Rod who was doing that in the American League Championship
Series. What, too soon?
Gordo’s Great Guess: Thrills for Bills on Sunday. There will be no Titan risin’ against the home-field Bison. Feel free to pen your own Buffalo rap if you don't like this crap!
Cleveland at Indianapolis
The lowdown: The Browns and Colts. Sounds like a horse
racing documentary, not a NFL matchup. Most of the pigskin experts are picking
the Colts because, when asked during practice what was on their minds this week,
Cleveland’s pop-gun offence said they’re all wondering when the new flavour of
Windex was coming out.
Gordo’s Great Guess: Colts, but only because somebody has to
win this perfect-time-for-a-nap showdown.
Green Bay at St. Louis
The lowdown: The Packers are getting their stuff together
and The Rams aren’t. You knew it was going to be a long season in St. Louis
when rookies admitted they wanted to be Jets when they grow up.
Gordo’s Great Guess: Pick the pigskin Packers to pick poor
Rams apart. Game might be decided by halftime. Least St. Louis can cheer for
the Cards and their aces in the World Series and forget about this season’s
jokers in the NFL! Just saying.
Arizona at Minnesota
The lowdown: The Viagra-like Vikings appear to be up for
this weekend after performance anxiety last weekend when they lost to RG3’s
Redskins in Washington. Arizona also came up limp last weekend at home, losing to
Buffalo. The experts say the skinny is to pick Minny.
Gordo’s Great Guess: The Vikings will get their ship
together at home and sail past the Cardinals. It will be close though.
Washington at New York Giants
The lowdown: Expect the Giants to treat the Redskins like
piñatas this weekend. Young fashionable Redskins happy their coaches treat them
like men and let them wear earrings to post-game press conferences. Don’t
expect to see too much of RG3 this weekend because the Giants’ offence will
have the ball most of the day.
Gordo’s Great Guess: Too easy. Giant blowout in Big Apple.
Even Honey Boo Boo would get this one right (with some help on pronouncing New
York and Giants.)
New Orleans at Tampa Bay
The lowdown: In
a normal season, you’d pick the Saints in a heartbeat. But this ain’t a normal year – just ask
Hulk Hogan. On second thought, don’t!
The Bucs suck, but they are at home and
you can’t lose them all, can you? (Yankee fans don’t have to answer this right now!) Where do you go in Tampa
in case of a tornado? The Bucs’ end zone cuz they never get a touch-down there!
Gordo’s Great Guess: I’m picking the Saints because even
with the Bounty Gate fallout hurting their season, they have to be better than
the Bucs who, if you stand close enough to their weekly (weakly?) game plan you
can hear the ocean.
Dallas at Carolina
Lowdown: Remember the old jokes about your Panthers on fire?
Pith your Panthers? Well, my brother (wink, wink) loves those jokes for his picks. It’s funny how all the experts favour Dallas this week even though
the Cowboys have fallen out of the saddle more times in public than Arnold
Schwarzenegger.
Gordo’s Great Guess: Even though Tony Romo isn’t handy on a phone – he can’t find
the receiver – the Cowboys’ quarterback will generate enough offence and points
to beat the Panthers. Still, a little gun shy on this one because the Cowboys are
like possums: Both play dead at home and often get killed on the road. Just
saying.
Baltimore at Houston
Lowdown: The Texans lost their first game at home last
weekend to Green Bay. Baltimore lost Ray Lewis and Lardius Webb and maybe Ed
Reed to serious injuries. One of
the reason the Ravens don’t have a great website is they can’t string three Ws (www)
together and they won’t win this weekend either.
Gordo’s Great Guess: Well butter my biscuit -- Texans, easy.
Sunday afternoon
Jacksonville at Oakland
Lowdown: There hasn’t been much love shown to Raider Nation
this season. But this weekend will be different because the Jaguars, who have
played like burgundy AMC Eagles, roll into Gangland, Calif.
Gordo’s Great Guess: Both of the teams could count to 10 by
going 0-1, 0-2, 0-3, etc., but the Raiders will prevail. And those wild freaky
people in the killer Raider garb? Can you say day parole, boys and girls?
New York Jets at New England
Lowdown: My wife LOVES Jets’ quarterback Mark Sanchez. She
says I should be a lot more like “Marky Mark.” Which is kind of interesting,
because I’m not an all-star quarterback,
I can’t win a Super Bowl and I don’t have a chance to beat Tom Brady’s
team in New England. Hmmm, separated at birth perhaps?
How bad is it for the Jets this season? Rex Ryan accepted
a role in Adam Sandler’s movie That’s My Boy where he fawns over coach Bill
Belichick and quarterback Tom Brady of the Patriots.
Gordo’s Great Guess: Patriots to pummel Jets. Tim Tebow will
be forced to replace Sanchez. And he, like I, will sit and watch the second
half. See, honey, I am JUST LIKE “Marky, Mark.”
For a few extra laughs see the following link:
Sunday night
Pittsburgh at Cincinnati
Lowdown: Here’s a suggestion. Watch the Amazing Race, do laundry, cuddle, go out for dinner, tell Marky, Mark jokes. Then check the score at halftime and
see if the Bengals are within 30 points of the Steelers.
Gordo’s Great Guess: Steelers in a massive blowout.
Bengal-bashing beatdown baby. Discuss how this one-sided yawner is just like the Jets' game.
Monday night
Detroit at Chicago
Lowdown: Da Bears at home on Da Monday Nighter with Ditka on
Da Tube commenting on two teams with sputtering offences and Chicago’s polarizing me-first quarterback Jay Cutler, who will play A-Rod in a movie when career is done. Watch for cameo tweets by Khalif Mitchell of the B.C. Lions.
Gordo’s Great Guess: Da Bears in Da Blowout. Dat’s it!
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